VIVACITY | Saturday, November 29, 2008 |

‘Couples not talking are often married’
Shana Maria Verghis

International tax attorney and author of a million seller book called How to Marry the Man Of Your Choice (Hachette), Margaret Kent thinks, “love, romance and marriage are about manipulation.” Kent who was also talk show host Oprah Winfrey’s first guest, conducts a marriage course attended by, “very intelligent women, often over 30. Some in their 50s.” How did this tax attorney wind up in marriage action? In the late 60s while teaching Spanish and French to adults and high schoolers, a student of Margaret’s needed help with translation. George Kent was a Jesuit engineer, lawyer and psychiatrist with unhappy single women and abandoned wives among his clients. Margaret saw a pattern to their problems and honed strategies from behavioural science, religion and law. She also used them on George, her first husband till he died, Kent joked, “of natural causes.”

Now in her 60s, Kent was visiting India for her two passions. Money and love. She was here for a tax law conference and to talk about her easy-to-read book, which got some help from her second husband, tax expert, Robert Feinschreiber. She had married him in ‘81. It was Robert who suggested, “people want help, so don’t turn this into a clinical, intellectual discourse.”

Kent recalled before they married, Robert once said to her, “I know you’re manipulating me. I like it!”

She added, “Women often have no clue how men think about marriage. Especially if they grew up with just sisters. So often you’ll see women, not half as attractive or educated as you, with fabulous men. The difference between them and you is that you don’t know men in regard to marriage.”

She continued, “They’re not conditioned to it. While cultures have magazines called ‘Bride’, with women dressed or undressed. There’s no ‘Groom’ magazine’. Men are conditioned as playboys.This might not hold totally true in India though, where many men remain with parents, ready for marriage.

She added, “The hitch is a huge part of him wants a wife, kids. A family. But he won’t admit to this. Smart women know it. And that compared to women, his ego is more fragile. A facade. And a man has no one to stroke it. Not other men. When they meet they’ll shout across a crowded room, “Hi baldy! Or ‘you’ve put on pounds.’ Women can be catty, but compliment each other. Men are boys at heart. He would like to hear her praises, because no one else will do it. It is his nature to want to feel unique. But people rarely marry those who put them on a pedestal either, so you balance.”

Half Cuban on her mom’s side, Kent was raised among 15 boys in a close knit family of cousins. “I once told a girl her doll was ugly. She was upset. I couldn’t see why. Asked grandmum. She said, “you hurt her feelings.” I realised you can’t talk to little girls like little boys who are trained for jibes. Maybe it’s survival. Like the post a cat sharpens paws on. It’s more sophisticated with women. He doesn’t have kids. He struts, chest stuck out. She’s stuck with kids. Has the milk bottles!”

Kent gives an example of ‘him’ and ‘her’ in love. “She’s all mushy. No good for two weeks. If a man’s in love and can’t help himself, he gets angry. Because he has to give up his harem — imagined or real.” Apart from harems, he worries, “What if she throws me out?” “The bravest men fears female rejection. He is readier to approach a slightly attractive women than a fascinating one, having less to lose in the former case. So ‘Wonderful You’ is still single.”

Kent said in this situation, “he’ll do something nasty to test her, like saying “I need space.” Worst thing I saw was a man at his wedding with a date! His bride was smart and introduced her as, “my husband’s last date.” The couple have been married 25 years and he dotes on her. This is for those really keen on marriage. You have to hold on. Don’t want to give up freedom at this cost? Don’t.”

Recommending male egos be stroked with praise, she suggest gauging how much will keep your big cat purring. Kent added, “let him have it if he misbehaves. He wouldn’t mind, if he has a strong ego. And this keeps you interesting. If he is really bad, dump him.” She said ”About 70 per cent women lose men from too much love. Being a bit of a bitch helps.” She also feels it important for a potential mum-in-law not to like you. “If she does, it is probably because the guy’s a mess she wants to give to anyone. Or knows he won’t marry you, and she’ll have control.”

Woman, she said, “should show her intelligence to a man. He may want to climb into bed with a moron, for some reason. But he doesn’t want an idiot to be mom of his kids. Besides, intelligence is the only thing that gets better with age.” She says this would hold good in a society of arranged marriages like India, “since you want to know the other person better, even if others are choosing.”

What kills marriage she says, is lack of communication and boredom. “If you see couples not talking, they are often married! They’re not taught to talk or listen. I have a low threshold for boredom and need constant ‘sensory inputs’. This doesn’t offend my husband. He understands. And I’m kept out of trouble.” She noted, “In couples often opposite attracts. One exercises, one doesn’t. You shouldn’t take differences personally. It’s nature’s way. Sexual cycles differ among people. Some who look hot, might have low sex drive. Those who look like slugs, could be the opposite! One reason I married my husband,” she added, “was he is smart. He looks like a slug, but isn’t one!”

She added, some men and women might want sex six times a day. For others, it could be once in six months. If a six-times-a-day woman marries the once-in-six-months-guy, she’ll feel like a nympho. If it is other way, she will feel he is not attracted to her. Women always take blame and feel unsexy, even if it is the guy who is impotent. If smart, she would have felt powerful at her ability to turn him on and of. Instead she feels ugly at being too sexual. Probably ‘cos of programming to be perfect at everything.” She goes on, “And when she’s more attractive and independent, the man thinks, ‘she has power of selection and is a professional’, so he may not approach her, opting for someone with a less sexy body.” She shared the story of how Hillary and Bill Clinton met. Hillary went to the same school as Kent’s second spouse and told her the incident at a school reunion. They were in the library. He was looking, looking, looking...She finally got up and said, ‘You’ve been looking so long, I should be introduced.’ Bills reply was a garbled, “blucvxvak?!fyres..!” Kent concluded saying men with high sex drive have unfullfilled needs and negative self image from women rejecting them for it. And that women often veer towards more ‘well behaved men’, but gentlemanliness sometimes covers their lack sexual interest in women, making the ladies wonder again.